No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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