I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Found your dick twin last night
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
