My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
