just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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