Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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