Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
