Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
