Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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