He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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