yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
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