3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
