I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
