Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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