I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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