You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
