Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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