I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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