so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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