Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
