big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize