I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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