sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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