Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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