i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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