just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
