So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize