you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize