don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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