You made me cry and you don't even care
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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