Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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