I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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