shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
