I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
