Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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