just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
