spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
