Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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