I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
