I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Randomize
