Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
