dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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