I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
