Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
