Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize