If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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