...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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