Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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