last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
