mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Randomize
