just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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