This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
