oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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