when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
