spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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