the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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