I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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