I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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