remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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