you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize