i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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